Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
 
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone 
at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have 
decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. 
Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on 
to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, 
carrier pigeon or ouji board.
 
As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical 
experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell 
Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six 
of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves 
kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of 
a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which 
rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in 
it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system 
works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
 
The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging 
through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that 
someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. 
One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded 
chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter 
of time before they turn their limited attention to the 
bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the 
two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own 
arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I 
would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately 
they are far more likely to blow up half the street with 
them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
 
What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with 
worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and 
will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of 
the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants 
around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing 
a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of 
course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen 
actually look like.
 
I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of 
these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a 
four month head start before coming to arrest me.
 
I remain sir, your obedient servant
?????????
 
Mr ??????,
 
I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at 
the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the 
problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
 
As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like 
to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
 
Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact 
details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
 
Regards
 
PC ???
?????????????
Community Beat Officer
 
 
 
 
Dear PC ?????
 
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response 
to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a 
personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured 
that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for 
inclusion in his next book.
 
Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's 
own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate 
you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have 
lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you 
hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated 
the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the 
moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a 
wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before 
you are headhunted by MI5.
 
Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes 
taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or 
being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much 
to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more 
than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might 
want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch 
behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting 
distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
 
Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should 
feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I 
have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the 
Compass Bar.
 
Regards
???????
 
P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky 
that you don't work for the cleansing department.