The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a London
 hotel and one of its guests last year. The hotel ended up submitting the
 letters to the Sunday Times. 
 ------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Maid,
 Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom
 since I have brought my own bath-sized Imperial Leather. Please remove the
 six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and
 another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
 Thank you, 
 S. Berman 
 ------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Room 635,
 I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her
 day off. 
 I took the three hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested.
 The six bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
 Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
 This leaves only the three bars I left today, as my instructions from the
 management are to leave three soaps daily. 
 I hope this is satisfactory. 
 Kathy, Relief Maid 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Maid
 I hope you are my regular maid. 
 Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
 little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening, I found you
 had added three little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
 I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own
 bath-size Imperial Leather, so I won't need those six little Camays which
 are on the shelf. They are in the way when shaving, brushing teeth etc.
 Please remove them 
 S. Berman 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mr Berman,
 The assistant manager, Mr Kensedder, informed me this morning that you
 called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service.
 I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
 apologies for any past inconvenience. 
 If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my
 personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
 Thank you. 
 Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Miss Carmen,
 It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
 business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6.00 PM. That's the
 reason I called Mr Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only
 asked Mr Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of
 soap.
 The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check in today,
 since she left other three bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet,
 along with her regular delivery of three bars on the bathroom shelf.
 In just five days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are
 you doing this to me? 
 S. Berman 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mr Berman,
 Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room
 and to remove the extra soaps. 
 If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8 AM
 and 5 PM. 
 Thank you, 
 Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper 
 ----------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mr Kensedder,
 My bath-size Imperial Leather is missing. 
 Every bar of soap was taken from my room, including my own bath-size
 Imperial Leather. 
 I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me four
 little Cashmere Bouquets. 
 S. Berman 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mr Berman,
 I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. 
 I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are
 instructed to leave three bars of soap each time they service a room.
 The situation will be rectified immediately. 
 Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. 
 Martin L. Kensedder
 Assistant Manager 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mrs Carmen,
 Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? 
 I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54
 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Imperial
 Leather.
 Do you realise I have 54 bars of soap in here? 
 All I want is my bath-size Imperial Leather. 
 Please give me back my bath-size Imperial Leather. 
 S. Berman 
 --------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mr Berman,
 You complained of too much soap in your room, so I had them removed. 
 Then you complained to Mr Kensedder that all your soap was missing, so I
 personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and
 The three Camays you are supposed to receive daily. 
 I don't know anything about the four Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your
 maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps, so she also brought
 24 Camays plus the three daily Camays.
 I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Imperial
 Leather. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your
 room.
 Elaine Carmen Housekeeper 
 ------------------------------------------------------------------- 
 Dear Mrs Carmen,
 Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. 
 As of today I possess: 
 * On the shelf under the medicine cabinet -18 Camay in four stacks of four
 and
 one stack of two. 
 * On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in two stacks of four and one stack
 of three. 
 * On the bedroom dresser - one stack of three Cashmere Bouquets, one stack
 of four hotel-size Ivory, and eight Camay in two stacks of four. 
 * Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in three stacks of four and one
 stack of two. 
 * In the shower soap dish - six Camay, very moist. 
 * On the northeast corner of the tub - one Cashmere Bouquet, slightly
 used. 
 * On the northwest corner of the tub - six Camays in two stacks of three. 
 Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
 neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than
 four have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is
 not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries.
 One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-size Imperial Leather,
 which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
 misunderstandings.
 S. Berman